Blog Post

So, since I started writing my on my blog again, I felt like writing more tonight. I just don't know what.

Hmm...

I just did two (2) shows today, and that was kind of long, but really it wasn't that draining; my feet were tired, to be sure, but I wasn't particularly wasted from all the fighting. It was about like doing a class, really. No biggie. Just the normal exhaustion from a two show day. And a couple of castmates did three shows that day.

It's not something I entirely understand. They have the casts divided as MWF and TThS, but it's really MWFS and TThSS, if that makes sense. Sometimes it's even more complicated than that, but I'll spare you the details. Suffice it to say, there are three shows on Saturdays, and the first one is done by the MWF cast, while the other two are done by the TThS cast.

Anyway...

Yeah, I'm done. I thought about writing more, but I'm not sure that anything else really interesting is going on. Nothing I'm going to tell you about, anyway. :P

I still need more work to pay the bills... That's something.

K, bye.

LB

I stand corrected

Yes, I can be wrong about things. I don't like it as much as being right, of course, but as I like to know things (correct and right things) I am willing to stand corrected.

My last entry here (from far too long ago, I know) stated that I never get the part I wanted, when I knew what I wanted, from the show I wanted, and blah blah.

That statement has been eclipsed. I was cast as Porthos in The Three Musketeers at the Hale Centre Theatre in West Valley. Semi-pro theater, never done a show there before, got the part I wanted. Of course, now I'm trying to super analyze what I did so I can repeat it for all subsequent shows I audition for. Heh. Here are a couple of theories I have/things that seemed to work for me (which may be totally erroneous, but this is how I'm currently seeing things):

1. Don't care what part you get.
• Really. Try not to care at all which part you get, and not just seem like you don't care. This will lessen the nervousness that makes you seem not as good as you are.
2. Minimal preparation.
• Counter-intuitive, I know, but this seems to work for me; don't read the play before hand, don't really learn anything about it at all until you get there, DO memorize monologues and or cold reads whenever possible, but mostly just improvise on the spot.
• EXCEPTION: When you find yourself trying to go to sleep the night before your audition, and you get a silly, odd, or otherwise unexpected piece of inspiration that will make your monologue different and memorable, DO IT! It's prolly genius.
3. Do whatever you feel like in your audition; be you.
• I'm not talking about throwing away morals, professionalism, or otherwise behaving improperly, I'm talking about being you. See, people put up fronts; masks; aspects of themselves that seem to be better fitting than they really are to a given crowd or situation. But the real key is in being who you are and being comfortable with that. It really goes back to a key element of acting that a brilliant teacher once told me in class:

  "Everything you do is right."

  It was said in reference to acting, of course. That's the genius of it; it's about your interpretation of the piece, or monologue, or character, or whatever. It's up to the director to decide if they want to work with your interpretation and everything, but they want you to do the acting. Trust your instincts. Follow your impulses (if not the first, then one of the one's after that).
4. Finally, you have to be totally willing to fall flat on your face.
• This goes back to the not caring. I've often gotten the part I specifically didn't want because I didn't care what I did when I read it, so I just did whatever popped into my mind, and it ended up being brilliant to them, so I got the part. Heh. Go figure. So the thing to do, then, is to take chances, do your stuff, make mistakes, not care, and just be brilliant. Don't try to be funny, or try to be brilliant; just let it happen.

I tried to apply all those ideas to this last audition. I had only once auditioned for the Hale in West Valley before this instance, but I wasn't even able to come to auditions because of another show I was in (Frankenstein. Awesomeness. Really). I wasn't too happy with it anyway, since I got called back for bit parts and an old man. Again. Anyway, I asked advice of friends as to who I should audition for, which ended up being Porthos (won by 1 vote, but only 3 people actually voted...), and the night before I got the inspiration to use a puppet demonstration in the monologue. Genius. And I didn't care. At least, I worked really hard to not care; I looked at how much fun it would be to play any of those parts. And it's true; I'd love a chance to play just about any one of the parts in the show (major parts anyway...)

In callbacks I read for Porthos, but also D'Artagnon's Father, and Treville (who are both old men...). But I tried to do well. And not care. I did get a lucky break in that, while reading a bunch of guards for a part, I got to read Porthos against them all. So I did it different every time. Good times, and they got to see some variety to my acting.

When I got called, I knew (of course) that I'd been cast, but there was a pause before the Stage Manager said what part I'd gotten (she later said she'd probably lost her place on the paper, but it still stalled my heart for a second), and I got the part. First time ever (unless you count a 30 minute student production, which I don't).

And now, Three Musketeers opens tonight. I get to leave for it in about half an hour, actually (bus trips... yay...). But I'm excited to get to open a show playing the part I really wanted to get in a classic, iconic show that I've always wanted to do, getting to sword fight on stage (first time in a long time, oddly enough), and being the comic relief in the show. Good times all around.

So, I thought I'd better update this blog (and hopefully do so more regularly in the future) since I can't really whine anymore. I mean, look at my costume for the ballroom scene (masquerade):

Awesomeness! :D

Done.
LB

/theatrical rant

I know this doesn't happen to everyone (since not everyone is an actor) but I think there are applications of this on all levels, and to every occupation that requires you to be approved or hired by someone else (including clients).

Ahem.

I have some dream roles; roles I would love to play, and think I could do very well. Roles that other people (friends, peers) tell me I'd be brilliant in (why thank you). So the question I would put to you is; if I know I'd be good at it (brilliant, even) and everyone around me knows I'd be brilliant at it (we're not boasting here, this happens; some roles you're just brilliant at) why then, don't any of the directors even consider it? Ever?

I get called back. I get cast. I've even gotten some really great, really fun roles. But never one I wanted.

Whine whine! I hear you say; you can't always get what you want, that's life so deal with it.

Yeah, I'm sick of that.

And that's not even true, and you know it; some people get what they want; some people get the parts they want when they audition; some people (and I know a few) have gotten every part they wanted in every show I've known them to audition for. Now it's not even that I'm jealous. That's great for them (though they may be getting spoiled). Some of them are getting this through sheer hard work. And that's really cool.

I'm just wondering why my hard work is getting ignored.

And yes, that is whiny, because it's not entirely true; I have been offered parts I didn't even have to audition for (and that's a really big honor). I'm just being pushed into a rut I don't deserve to fall in. I can do more than what you're giving me; I want to do more. I want to continue to stretch and improve and grow; not be stuck with the same bit parts and easy roles. Yes, I'm a character actor. But that doesn't mean I can't handle a meatier role. Yes, I'm tall, but that doesn't mean the character I want can't be tall. Why can't he be tall? Are you seriously discriminating against me because of my height? Because of my expressiveness?

/boast
If I can be the best part of a really good show and be playing the bit part (2 scenes in the play) don't you think you might have made an error in casting? Bit parts aren't supposed to steal the show. Especially when they're just doing their job. We're not talking about padding a part; I was only in 2 scenes.
/end boast

It's almost like directors live inside their own little bubble with their own little set of favorite actors and stark classifications to pin on everyone so they can feel comfortable about themselves. Can't handle multi-talents? Triple-threats? Quadruple-threats? Don't know what to do with someone who could play anything?

That's a little harsh, but the thing is, I'm not just talking about myself; I know a bunch of actors who are brilliant, and could play most anything, but keep getting the same kind of roles. The circle of directors is small, but that doesn't mean their vision has to be. Especially in an educational setting; that's the time you should be taking chances; breaking molds; making them stretch and grow.

Honestly, we're often better than we're given credit for, and not just with acting. Better at everything.



This is all coming up because of an audition I had today for a dream role of mine; Algernon in The Importance of Being Earnest. But like every other audition I've had (excluding a 30 min student production) I'm not even considered for the part; I get called back for the servant, and the old man.

/tangent rant
Why the old man? Why am I always getting the old man? It's not like there aren't old men who are actors. It's not like I walk around with a t-shirt on that says "Oh, by the way, I'm really good at playing an old man." I don't mention it on my resume. I was told I-don't-know-how-many-times during college (as they continually cast me as one) that I'd never get cast as an old man outside of college, because the theaters will want to cast people who are actually old, and not young men.

I have to tell theaters and directors that no, I don't want that part. I'm sick of playing them; I hate it; I loath it; I despise it (name that movie!).
/end tangent rant

So, in all honesty, when I really want something that will make me want to work, and try (and not sleep through rehearsal), it's insulting to be continually be called back for the bit parts. Especially when people tell me I was their favorite part of the show (because bit parts are not supposed to steal shows; I mentioned that already).
And no, I never try to steal the show; I just try to play my part the best I can.

Which brings up a final note; I don't know how much longer I can stand watching someone else play the role I wanted (even if they're doing a good job, but especially if they're not). Shows that I love. Shows I have done just because I like the show, like the director, like the cast, but hated my part. Over and over and over again.

I don't know how many more times I can take that kind of frustration.

I need to go kill something...

/video game
[real time strategy: 623 kills, 0 losses; try not losing a single unit sometime; it's cool.]
/end video game

That's better...

Okay, I think I'm done now...
/end theatrical rant



Note: honestly, I'm not stuck up or prideful about this; just really annoyed. But I'll admit it does sound whiny. Sorry about that.

– Lone Barbarian

Money money money! That Frankenstein Monster that destroys souls!!

I start rehearsals tonight for Frankenstein. The cast is amazing; the director is, too. I'm mentioning this because I was in a quandary for such a long time about two different shows that I really wanted to do. I chose this one, but that's not entirely correct. Really, I didn't get called back for the other one. But it's all good because this one will be stupendous. You have no idea. If you knew the cast, then you'd prolly be at least as excited as I am.

But being as I'm not mentioning them here by name, you'll have to take my word for it.

:P

Also, I have a screening interview for a job today. Hopefully that'll turn into some income for me.

The title is a quote from My Man Godfrey. 1936. Brilliant film.

K bye.
LB

Thoughts vs Speech vs Action

I like to think of myself as well thought out. My personality, I mean. That I think before I speak, and never say anything but good truthful things.

Of course that isn't the case.

More often than not I find myself thinking back on the day's conversations, particularly the ones that had some impact on my mind, and I find that what I said could have been said better; that my choice of words was poor.

Like Irene Bullock in My Man Godfrey "I can never think of [the proper things to say] until everybody's gone!" Alright, she was talking about witty comments, but I think that applies as well.

Then there's the difference between thinking about things and going out and doing them. Like right now; I'm writing a little blog entry (mainly motivated because it's been a month since my last update) instead of going out and doing... something.

Something would be nice...

LB

Riding home in the dark

On a bicycle. It's somewhere around 10:30 PM. I stop at a light ('cause it's red, that's why) and look around. I'm by the mall, and it's still another 4 miles to home... about... It's 7 miles total trip... a little under... anyway. Another bike pulls up a little behind me. I look back at her, and she's wearing a headlamp like me. Different brand, but that's all one. I think it's kinda funny, since bicyclists usually have lights on their bikes and not on their heads, though that's what I prefer. So I say hello. She smiles and says hello back to me. I thought of saying nice headlamp, but I also wanted a better conversation starter. Besides, how easy is it to start a conversation with someone while riding a bike? I know, right? Hard. That's almost as bad as trying to talk to someone riding in a different car. Someone you've never met before, I mean.

Oddly enough, that one has happened to me before. But we were in my friend's Mustang Convertible; much more of a conversation starter when you're on the main drag. I digress...

The light turns green, and we both go on our way. I accelerate faster, since I think she stayed in a high gear (I shift down at lights). A mile or so later, however, she passes me. K. That's cool. I caught up to her a couple of lights later. Right as it's turning green again. So I say hello again as I pass (not just hello, but hello again, get it?) and she chuckles at me. Down the hill I go. Another mile or so. By now I'm sure she's turned off onto whatever street she lives on, when she passes me again. This time she looks back and flashes me a grin. Kind of a nyah nyah, I passed you again mixed with a isn't it funny we keep passing each other? I thought so. But as I speed up a bit to catch up to her, she pulls out to make a left turn at the next light, and I still have to go straight for another 8 blocks. So I yell out have a good evening, and she looks back, but I can't read the expression.

And I go home.

The whole time, I tell myself I should have tried for some kind of conversation. I had even been thinking to myself that it would be a long ride home and wouldn't it be nice to have someone to talk to. I even took the busier route home instead of the long dark one because it seemed to speak conversation to me.

So to the mystery girl (whatever your name is): Thanks riding with me part of the way, and I'm sorry I never said more than 3 words to you; you're cute and you seem from our exceptionally brief interaction to be cool.

And since the show I'm doing is running all the way to August 1st, maybe one of these nights I'll see her riding again, and maybe I'll have to guts to strike up a conversation instead of leaving them at home in that jar on the mantel.

Ew.

LB

Glass boxes

There are a couple of things that come to mind when I think of glass boxes. The first is a Far Side comic where mob killings were done by dressing up the victims as mimes and then putting them in glass boxes to suffocate in public. The second is Yakko Warner reading the Wheel of Morality thusly: "People who live in glass houses should get dressed with the lights out." I know; profound.

The reason I'm mentioning this now, however, more has to do with sound proofing. If you live in or climb into a glass box (let's assume there's no danger of suffocation), you'll find that a good thick glass box can do wonders for blocking sound. And if you're trying to get someone's attention from within, you may find the best way is to find your chamber's resonant frequency. I mean, it's not the most soundproof, but there you have the analogy.

And sometimes, more and more recently, I feel like I'm in one of those proverbial glass boxes. Like I've been placed in one sitting on the goal line in a football field and then asked to get someone's attention who's in another box on the other side. And no, they didn't give us a string to pull taut between us. Then someone comes along and gives the other person a microphone attached to a really nice PA system. I get a microphone, but it's in pieces. Then I get an electronic billboard. Also in pieces. And now a cell phone, but without the other person's number. And did I mention it's in pieces? Meanwhile the other person is saying "Hello? Hello? Hello?" and I'm shouting and trying to put something together that'll work, but it's all taking a really long time. Perhaps too long.

How long do you stay in the box? How long do you keep trying to follow these instructions? How long will it take to put one of those stupid things together?

I don't know.

What do you want?

No, really, what do you want? Out of life. What do you want out of life?

Because I just realized I'm not as sure about that as I thought I was.

I wanna make movies, be in movies, write movies, direct plays, be in plays, write plays, write books, write songs, sing, dance, play instruments, fight, choreograph fighting, design video games, maybe some industrial design, and get married and have a family. Not in any particular order, you understand, I want to do all of that before I die. Plus some other things that I'm sure I'm forgetting at the moment.

Is that specific enough? And I guess I should say, no it's not. Because that's an insane amount of things, and I've got to start somewhere first. So, that's all good. Everything on there is good. Now what am I going to do first?

Well, I'm in plays now, so I think I can scratch that one off the list, although I don't particularly plan on stopping the playage any time soon. I've directed plays, and plan on doing that again, soon. I have also both choreographed and performed fights, dances, I've sung, played instruments, and whatnot. I've even written a couple short plays that were produced. But I will also continue all that. So what next?

So, getting married would be nice, but I was already in that show. By Shaw. George Bernard Shaw. It was my senior project in acting. Anyway...

Writing a book now, I have a short film in post, working on a few screenplays, even a video game design, and a comic are in the works.

Maybe that's why I'm in such a quandary; I have actually completed almost everything on that list, even if on a very small scale. I mean, when I say make movies, I want to make blockbusters, but I also know that that's still a long way off.

But in all these things I have done, I haven't done what I need to do. Not really in any of those areas. But I have made myself the Jack of all Trades without becoming a master of any, yet. Some I'm closer on than others, certainly.

And I feel like I'm running out of time. Or at least that I'm taking too long to accomplish all these things. It's important, and important in some way that I don't even understand yet. Some way that I have yet to fathom. And even if I think I know, because I think I might know why it's so important, and why I'm taking too long, still I don't know and don't understand. Because I get the feeling that if I really understood it, if I really really understood what it was I had to do and in what time frame I was supposed to do it, I'd be be pulling all-nighters because my deadline's fast approaching or mayhaps even past.

And somehow knowing that intellectually isn't enough.

Sometimes life is frustrating like that.

Christmas Wishlist

Oh Santa Claus,

Without getting into how Santa is a feminine form of "saint" in Spanish (because I'm not here to offend you, so I won't mention that; it would only be for chuckles anyway), I just wanted to ask for one simple thing:

You see, I got this friend. And she doesn't believe me when I tell her I got a twin! I have one, you know! You deliver presents to him! So you know! And it hurts that she has so little faith in my word (or perhaps my sanity...) that I could just cry! DON'T LET HER MAKE ME CRY!!! He exists! He's the GOOD TWIN!!!!!! (I mean... I'm good too... though... honest!... It's just... if we're making comparisons... uh...)

And I'm not saying she's being mean to me. No, you don't have to put her on the naughty list, or give her coal, or anything. I mean, give her toys; presents; the whole shebang. Give her that flying pony; THAT'D BE FINE! Just leave a little note there that says I have a twin. Not that you have a twin, but that I have a twin...

You know what I mean.

Anyway, I know I'm not on the list for expensive toys that would make my life easier (or manageable in general); no cars, digital camcorders, computer upgrades, top of the line production software, or any of that. But if you would do this one thing for me, that'd be awfully nice of you. :D :D :D :D (with halos on top and everything).

Muchas Gracias,

The Lone Barbarian.

Idiosyncrasies part 2

I direct music with my eyes closed.

I used to do it when I sang as well, but I trained myself out of that. You see, I don't direct choirs very often, but there I was, directing a choir for a Christmas presentation and I was doing it with my eyes closed. It made for amusing rehearsals, lemme tell you. I had to tell them to watch me, while acknowledging that I wouldn't be watching them back. But I would be listening! Oh yes! I'd be listening!

I even audition people that way, if I'm not careful. And I don't know why it is, because I don't have a problem looking people in the eye. I do it when I'm acting, giving speeches, being a jester... No problem. But I used to when I sing, stop myself when I direct plays, and catch myself doing it when I direct choirs. Eyes closed. Just listening.

I guess that's why it's an idiosyncrasy. Personality quirks don't really have to make too much sense, I suppose.

LB

Idiosyncrasies. Part 1 (in case I do this again)

Riding my bike in the fall is dangerous to my regular riding/driving habits.

I mean, normally when riding my bike, I try to avoid unidentified small objects in my path. This habit is good and healthy for my tires, not to mention my overall safety. But in the fall we introduce another foreign object to the roadways; crunchy leaves.

Yes, I start aiming for them. It's one thing to walk along a sidewalk and merrily crunch the leaves beneath your feet. After all, the odds of finding something under those leaves that is going to attack you after you step on it are pretty minimal. But on a bike, when you can zip along and crunch a whole bunch more leaves in a shorter amount of time with only minor wobbles in steering. It's grand. It's fun. It's crunchy goodness time.

Except when you're riding at night, and it's a lot harder to see what the objects in your path are, and you're still (instinctively mind you) trying to crunch leaves. Well, you start trying to crunch things that aren't leaves. Rocks, pebbles, bolts, wire, paper (crumbled still crunches), washers, nails... You get the idea. And instead of trying to avoid them, you're trying to run over them?!?

Fall is more dangerous than most people riding bicycles think.

I need to take my bike into the shop...

Don't worry, it's actually just for a tune-up. :)

LB

A sword! Oh Archimedes! A SWORD!

I Know! Can you believe it???

Every once in a while, you have something happen to you that just totally takes you by surprise. A friend of mine (former roomie, now married) just a little while ago, gave me a sword. JUST GAVE ME A SWORD. How cool is that? And it was just because I didn't have one, and he thought someone who did stage combat as much as he and I did should have a sword.

Kay's GOT to have a sword! (I love quoting movies... yes, it's true)

So now I can add it to my arsenal of otherwise boring weaponry (golf clubs, black painted wooden sword I had since I was like 10, fake light sabers, plastic baby sized He-Man sword, decoration battle ax that looks cool but is held together with hot glue... you know) and feel just a little bit special.

Yes it's a real sword! I mean, it's not sharpened; it's for stage use. But it's real notwithstanding. And that's a really long compound word. Notwithstanding. Not with standing what? or is it Not withstanding what? I know it isn't Notwith standing what? but none of those questions really say what it is that is not being with stood. Or withstood. Probably withstood. My brother would know...

Anyway, the point is, sometimes friends can just be impossibly cool. It would have taken me prolly a REALLY long time for me to be able to afford one on my own, since I'm living off of contracted work. Job to job. Check to check. The cool thing is it's all related to what I actually majored in. It'd be nicer if it was steady work (it's steadily coming contracted work, right now...). But I didn't major in steady work. I majored in I'll be looking for work all my life because every job I take will be temporary and that's the nature of the Entertainment business field. I know, long major name. Try filling that out on forms... Or putting it on your résumé. Or your wezoom! Murder, I'm telling you. You'll be held up in court for that. At knife point! They'll take your wallet and your watch! It's a Swatch? Can I go now?


And due to the hour (and the fact that I accidentally reset my computer) I begin to ponder the navigation of my sails of thought (Can't be a train of thought, because I was navigating; that implies a ship). Oh well. I hope those following don't hit the doldrums...

LB

New Place

So I have a new apartment, on the other side of the tracks, and the other side of the Freeway. Way out there, and I only have a bike.

It's nice to have a place of my own; no roomies, no furniture, no AC, no screens on the windows, no real ventilation in the place, no window coverings at all, no laundry facilities in the immediate vicinity, etc. But it is the only place I could find that I could afford that I could actually put all my stuff in. Now the question is whether I can convince the landlord to let me fix up the place in exchange for rent: Some of the things I want to put in are rather expensive... Like a washer/dryer. Expensive by themselves, to say nothing of adapting the apartment so it has the hookups for it... Blinds run at least $400 (480 was the quote I got), Screens and fixing windows so they actually stay open instead of wanting to come crashing down is gonna cost, too. Replacing the fan in the bathroom (hole in ceiling where it should be; plug and everything there, but no fan, no cover), covers on the lights, cleaning the place (filthy when I got here, but I don't think I'll get a discount for that), replacing vent covers for the heater. If I were to do all that over the next six months (length of contract) I could end up not paying any rent... Which would be funny, because I'd still be paying out all that money to improve the place... We'll see if they let me do it.

I plan on having a housewarming party anyway, but I won't have it until the place is reasonably presentable, and clean. So it'll be a while...

LB

PS, if you want an idea of how dirty the place is, I filled up the vacuum just cleaning one room. ONE ROOM. The one room looks tons better...

Affected effects of Affectation

You really can't say that your environment doesn't affect you. Everything from what kind of job you have, what kind of company you keep, what you had for breakfast, to what kind of things happen to you in any given day affect who you are and who you will become. Not that we are products of society. Not entirely. There is always what we bring to the table as well. Two different people will take the same ingredients and make very different meals out of them.

I'm mentioning this for a few reasons. One, for all those people who keep telling me that "it doesn't affect them." Two, for those who blame their environment for what they have become. And Three, because I'm noticing how my change in environments has affected me.

I have become more serious. Not to say I am without my humor, without the inherent insanity that comes from who I am, or without the desire to be so. I think it boils down to the fact that I haven't been performing for almost a year. This is after about four years of almost non-stop performing. I'm even stage managing right now, and that's not even close to exciting. Stressful, yes. Exciting, no. So I'm going without the post performance highs that I used to live on. The rush of being on stage, whether comedy, musical, or dramatic, is something I do miss. A lot. Seeing shows might help a little, and I haven't been doing that very often. But even then, it's not the same. Not at all. No, preciouss. Not very nice at all...

I also haven't been able to fight. And that's just depressing. I even told one of my cousins (who is under 12) that I was old now, and a very boring person. That's sad. In my defense, it was a lazy Sunday afternoon and not an exciting, game filled weekday. Still, I felt boring. It could also have been the draining hyperactivity of children that made me want to relax.

Another contributing factor is the amount of change that happens when you leave a place for a year, and then come back. First of all, nobody's here anymore. That's a sweeping generalization, because some are still here, but no one has time to hang because they're like me a year ago; constantly in shows, in school, working, and insanely busy. It's that Social Undead-ness. I can't seem to get out of it, and I'm not even in a show. Stage managing one, but it's not the same. Not the same at all (except in the ridiculous time commitment). But we're not even rehearsing at night right now, so those are open, but I'm not used to having the time, and everyone that I first think of spending time with is busy. It's funny. I'm not sure there is a cure for undeath. There isn't in any of the books... Though I think there is in the game Oblivion, but only if you caught it within a certain time frame. Oh well. Maybe it's too late for me to become a normal socially alive person. I think that may have been taken care of way back when I first became an actor.

This isn't whining, in case anyone thought to read it in such a voice. This is more like a scientific introspective. Internal Rhetoric. Yes. Yes! I rather fancy that. Call it Internal Rhetoric.

LB

Contracts Rehearsals and such (Oh MY!)

6 hours a week. WHO THINKS REHEARSING A SHOW IS ONLY FOR 6 HOURS A WEEK?

That's how much they put on my contract; assume yay so much money an hour, at SIX hours a week. I'm rehearsing a show, not doing some jumping jacks! Theatre productions require about 30 hours a week from the ACTORS. Stage Managers are even more worked. I will admit it's a kids show. only one hour. But even if you were to take the time for a two hour show (those 30 hours) and cut it in half, I should still be doing at least 15 hours, as an actor. Stage Manager they should assume at least 20, even for a one hour children's piece.

That said, I should give them the benefit of the doubt. They are business people, they obviously haven't been stage managers. They also told me to keep a record of my hours so I could correct the amount, which would reflect on my fall contract when we go into production. So it's totally fixable. Except they might not believe that I'll be working more than double the amount they think I will. I wonder how that will go over... Blah. Will they understand that I'll prolly be working close to 20 hours a week on this?

Now again, it might not offset too badly, as there is a break in rehearsals while some people go on a trip to London (what? no, I'm not jealous at all). Maybe in the end, it will only be a little more than they thought to pay me. Lemme see...

20*11=220

except it's not 11 weeks now, with the vacation it's only 7

20*7=140

Which is funny because they thought I'd only have 66. So yeah. Looks like I'll be asking them to double my paycheck... Won't that be fun...

LB

Post

Is not usually my favorite brand of cereal. I like Quaker Life and Cinnamon Life. Or Nabisco Shredded Wheat, and I don't mean the little squares either.

Anyway, I've been almost without internet for a while, so I haven't been posting much lately, in case you haven't noticed, but I have some time now, so now I will.





Except there's nothing I feel like writing. Go figure. We'll have to try again later, I suppose.

LB

I'm old.

This comes as no revelation to most of you, but I just felt like saying it. Maybe it comes from the passing of the year, coming of the new year, and my birthday... Something like that, put all together with the strange strawberry mint shake I made myself... I guess we're saving the eggnog for tomorrow, hence the strawberries. I don't know... They go good with most things; most fruits. Weird.

Of course, age is all relative. After all, it's only been a year since I ended my extended sojourn on a college campus... As an undergrad. And I feel tired. That always makes you feel old. Regardless, the New Year is upon us, and I should write a little something before I let it pass me by.




Of course, trying to find something meaningful to write is not always possible when the clock is approaching one in the morning, so never mind. I will just say goodnight.

LB

So now I'm going to scare everyone...

Boo.

Nah, seriously, I will be a freaky appearance, since the look I've had for over 18 months, and the look that most people know me with is changing. I will temporarily be joining the fuzzy headed people with no facial hair. No, I'm keeping my eyebrows and lashes, just not much else in the way of headed hair.

Don't worry so much; it's always temporary. I'm just not in a show for the first time in about 4 years and the prospect of doing something to my hair without anyone being able to tell me no is too good an opportunity to just let go. And getting a haircut is kind of normal. So I'm buzzing it. I prolly won't like it, because I've never done it before, but who knows? The beard is also coming right back, but I thought while I was shaving one, I might as well shave the other too. Err, buzzing... you get the idea.

And I'm moving again, stopping by the old stomping grounds a week from yesterday, so if you're there, and you know who you are, you should be there so we can hang.

Even though you'll be freaked out at my crazy new look.

Later,

LB

So I've Been Busy...

So for all of you that still check this blog (can't imagine there are even too many of those), I'm just letting you know that I have been busy, but now that's almost done with, which means I'm moving, which means there will likely be less activity, and I'm going to be travelling a bit, and staying at home for a bit, which will further lessen activity, meaning I will likely keep up on this a bit, but don't expect novels... Not until I actually write and publish one of those anyway.

So the show I've been doing is almost over, and that's kind of a weird feeling, because I've done over 90 performances... lemme check... 98 to date, and that's if you don't count all the extra rehearsals, initial rehearsals, and whatnot. This is the last week, and that means I'll have done 104 total performances. Probably at least 112 total runthroughs (yeah, we didn't get enough of those, really). Heh. And now it's all coming to an end, and I'm moving once again... That's a little annoying just because I brought most of the furniture here, and don't really want to just get rid of it... Anyway, That's all one. As soon as I have it all figured out (I mean moving, not life) I'll feel better about the time I'll spend doing it.

So there's your update, and yes I started all the paragraphs with so.

So what?

LB

Food

I love food, but I've really come to hate preparing it (for just myself) and I hate spending money on it. The reason is simple. With my metabolism, I literally spend more money on food than I do on rent, and that's when I'm cooking for just myself which, when I eat properly, is a bazillion times a day. Seriously, I could eat what would be a meal for a normal person every hour of the blessed day.

Yay for me, right? I can eat so much and I don't gain any weight... I can eat anything I want (except for being allergic to chocolate)... Wondrous life. Not really. People don't realize how monotonous it can get (that word is monotonous... wow) to be eating constantly or starve. I literally get tired of chewing before I get full. I get busy working on something, and I keep having to stop so I can eat more food. I eat pasta by the 2 quart potfull, and I'm hungry again in a couple of hours. Starving, I dare say. I hate having to buy more food. Coming from a poorish family, I have problems spending money on food that's not seriously on sale. I have to go shopping at least once a week, bring back enough food for a family of four, and hope it lasts me until next week, which it only will if I starve myself. Making me somewhat malnourished, more cranky, and getting my stomach mad at me.

It's a conflicted viewpoint, because I do like having this metabolism but, unlike most people think, it does have it's downsides.

That said, I need to eat again.

Lone Barbarian

Speaking of Time...

I'm feeling like I'm out of time, but I'm not really sure why, since I'm going to be where I am for the next couple of months at least. I don't know. It's confusing in a freaking out sort of way. Like I've got too far to go and too little time to do it in, and I don't rightly know which way I'm going...

Timely

I was looking at my friends blogs, some of which haven't been updated in a long time, only to remember that it has been over a month since I last updated mine. So here you are.

There are nine of us total in this apartment, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers has officially opened (but there's still a grand opening tonight), and I'm finally starting to get paychecks for it, which is good because living off a credit card sucks (not to mention it was almost full).

Ummmmmmmmmmmm... What else to say... I have nothing to say. Nothing more right now anyway.

Wyoming

I'm in Wyoming. In case anyone cared and didn't know already.

It's kinda fun, rehearsals haven't started yet, and until everyone else arrives next week I have an apartment to myself. Honestly, though, there are a few little things that I'm not sure are going to work with 7 in the house.

1) The washer is a washer/dryer combo, which actually kinda sucks, because it's only big enough to do half-sized loads and it takes forever because there's only one machine, so A load takes some 1.5 to 2 hours to do. I am a lone man, and it's taking me multiple days to do laundry just because I don't have time to be putting in loads all day. Not sure how to fix this, since there aren't hookups for a real washer/dryer set in the apartment, and transporting laundry on a bicycle is just not reasonable.

2) The kitchen is smaller than the upstairs bathroom, which brings me to problem

3) The bathrooms are very small and have no – repeat - No storage space.

4) I suppose a pint sized dishwasher isn't too much of a problem if you're never there (like after rehearsals start), and I suppose it's really about the size of a mini-fridge rather than a pint, but that's all one.

5) Most all the furniture in here is mine. This wouldn't be a problem if it was just me, but I don't know how hard these 6 other people are going to be on my stuff. I got it for free, granted, but it's still my stuff, and I feel a certain attachment and responsability to it. I could make it a separate problem, but what the hay, the dishes and silverware here will likely be mostly mine, too.

6) The apartment came with plants. I don't know how to take care of plants properly, and I'm pretty sure I'll forget about them. They're like 5 different plants in here, and they all have rules about how much water, how often, and how much plant food they need. I don't want to kill them, and I'm going to try to look up info about them, but I'm not sure they'll survive the summer.

7) Shopping on a bicycle sucks. I just thought I'd add that. It wouldn't be so much of a problem for most, I suppose, especially since there's a great dollar store where you can get a lot - and I mean a lot - of stuff, but when you eat as much as I do, that's a lot of stuff to carry in one load. I'm finding myself going shopping 3-4 times a week. And unless you're in love with shopping, that sucks. And yes, it's too far to walk. The bad part is, once rehearsals start, I'm probably going to be eating out more often, since we'll be having 14 hour days until the show opens (which is 2 weeks after rehearsals start). Once the show opens, I should have a little more time, but we're still talking about shopping in the morning instead of afternoon or evening, since all of those will be taken up.

Yeah, I ended up listing some general problems instead of just those of overcrowding, but they are all real, and will likely affect all or at least most of us.

There are some nice things here, too:

1) I'll probably be a significant part in the shootout, and will be doing it every night, which means I'll be shooting guns every night in front of large audiences in the town square before the show. The downside is I won't be getting all those tips from waiting tables, but I think I'll get to do some of that still anyway.

2) I'm doing props for the show, which is some stress, but mostly it's pretty cool, and I might get some moola prolly for that in addition to everything else I'm getting paid for.

3) I'm already comfortable moving around town, know where most everything important is, and am already established in my apartment. I know where a lot of good places to eat are, where to avoid, and where to go shopping for stuff.

4) The Branch out here plans things around the actors, since there are so many here in the summer. That's cool, although, night hikes that last until 2 AM with rehearsal at 830 AM don't mix very well. Still, it's coo. (Yes, I dropped the L on purpose!)

5) I got some Orange Marmalade. How is that not cool?

6) We have a nice microwave. What bachelor place could be better than one with a good microwave?

7) I get to work with some crazyfun people.

There are always ups and downs to things mortal. Make sure you count at least as many ups as you do downs.

LB

Nudged

Nudges are interesting. Cool, but interesting.

Ever find yourself seeing the end of a path without seeing how to get to that end? And until then you're going off these nudges, that you know are going to get you there, but in the meantime, you can't quite see how.

On another note, I am surprised to see how well I've been keeping up on this. I know, I post maybe twice a month (on average), but frankly, it's more than I thought it would be. Heh.

Hamlet

Being an actor right after directing a show is funny. Interesting too. I already have a bunch of ideas for how I would direct Hamlet, or at least how I would play the character. Of course, I do that with just about every character in every show I'm in, so I guess it isn't really news; merely something to mention.

I have to admit, I'm sad that I'm leaving. There are people here I know and care about a lot, not to mention I still want to start a band, a production company, a theatre, and all that. And I know I can do those things elsewhere (and likely with even more success since the market here is bloated in those areas), I just know people I could do those things with here. But I'm going, and I need to make new friends, while keeping in touch with these ones, too.

I'm tired; 6am work and 6pm show, both at 5 hours a piece, doesn't really give you 8 hours to sleep ever. Funny that.

How disappointing.

Well, it's not like I didn't get cast, I mean, I got cast. Just not as the part I wanted. Heh. Not any of the parts I wanted. I got the old man. THE OLD MAN! I can't believe that in a "Professional Theatre" I once again got cast as the old man. Something I was distinctly told would not ever happen, because they can always get a real old man instead of me. Go figure. This did make me question their need to always give me those roles, since they were effectively a waste of my education time, but that is as they say that. I'm playing the old man when they could have gotten a real one instead. Let's hear it for the bit part actor (yay).

Notwithstanding all this annoyance, I do get to understudy the lead, and that's pretty cool. Actually I think understudying the part is much harder than actually getting to play it since you need to memorize two parts and blocking and song sets and makeup designs and costume plots and fight parts (if applicable) instead of just one. So I won't have the time, nor the attention from the director to develop my character as well as the actual lead will, nor will I have sufficient stage time with the girl I'll be playing opposite (unless she's an understudy who's playing the old woman – Hah!). I was just hoping to get the part I wanted. For Once In My Life. Nope, not yet. Not not not not not not not not yet. But there is always a reason for everything, so even though I'm whining about it right now, I realize that this is what has been decided, and there's nothing I can or should do to change it, because it happened this way for a reason. I just need to do my part. And the challenge will be good for me. Challenge is good. I like challenges. Especially in acting. So I should be happy for this.

Stop whining. Aah!

LB

I got call-BACK!

So I might actually get the first lead of my life. Discounting villains, of course. I don't want to get my hopes up too much; they do have two other cities to audition in, and those other cities may be LA and NY. But I'm still excited. If I get any of the main characters, I'll be happy. As long as I don't get Random Townsman in the Background, I should be okay. I've gotten tired of character roles, though I think those'll get me more work. I'll give an update as soon as I know.

Of course, there's a good chance that if I do get cast, I'll have to leave my other job a little early, since they'll want me to shave as soon as Twelfth Night is over, and I can almost guarantee that this show will insist that I keep the facial hair. The fact that the separation between one show and the next is only about a month doesn't help, since I usually need a good two to grow out a good beard. Heh. It's only a few weeks... Start saving now... As long as I have enough to move in, and keep up on food, I should be just fine. But nothing more can I spend than these necessities...

Yeah...
LB

Try reaching out.

I've actually come to the conclusion that people in general are afraid of risk. So the effort to connect isn't usually there unless there is a sufficient amount of common ground to stand upon. If you're the only one giving, then you find yourself standing on unfamiliar ground, where you can get easily knocked about. People don't like that, generally. Some live for it, sure, but they're few.

So if you have the luck of finding common ground with people, and can maintain that ground, then you're much more likely to connect with others around you. That's a good thing. Unless, of course, you are a psycho intent on ruining the lives around you while seeming like a helpless innocent bystander. Then that's bad, and you should never connect with anyone who can't at least ruin your life while you ruin theirs. But I digress.

If you stop reaching out, in my experience, you will find that few will reach out to you. So even though it's hard to connect and make friends beyond the casual, working, or school-related acquaintance, if you don't try, you will never succeed (though I will admit the possible exception of someone refusing to let you disappear into the night, as it were).

But I'm sure I'm doing something wrong, for others seem to connect just fine; they are all drawn to each other, and willingly seek each other out. I kind of feel like that doesn't happen very often, which may just be the pessimist in me. I don't know. Loneliness is an annoyingly whiny thing to write, and I'm sure it's worse to hear. So the real question is: What steps are you taking to fix this apparent problem? How does one improve the ability to reach out and connect with others? Do you find what seems to annoy others and squelch it? Do you change your belief system to mimic theirs? Do you mold yourself to fit in the whims of the society that surrounds you, participate in their humor, view their entertainment, and in all things follow their lead? It cannot be so. It goes against all I know to do any of those things. Well, turning down what annoys others may not be a bad idea, but I don't know that I'd even go very far with that, provided the things you do are not offensive in nature, but just little personality quirks. I don't mean anything serious. But stifling your modes of expression can only happen so much before you either go into depression or explode. Sometimes both.

It's easy. Sliding to try and fit in can be easy. But then it is by no means worth it, because you won't be yourself and you'll be cheating both you and your surroundings. Don't give in to that. Don't change who you are unless it's really for the better. Not for better acceptance; better life. Don't change your life unless you're improving your character. Becoming a better person. I felt I stooped a little today. Tried too hard. It's the facetious humor. Saying things you really don't mean just to be funny. Like sarcasm, but usually more ridiculous instead of biting.

Seriously though, how can you improve connection to people who stand on such different ground than you? If you can't learn that, then you're going to be alone. Unless you have that lucky ground that is common to most people, as previously mentioned. How are you going to do it?

Secure-socket handling connection timed out.

I would like to think I'm good at connecting with people...

Except that I know I'm not good at it at all. I'm probably one of those sorts that everyone assumes is well off socially, because "Well, it seems he's always surrounded by friends and that he knows everybody. And I mean everybody. And he's talented in a lot of different areas. Blah, blah. But there are times when he's just weird. I think it's in his humor. Like some of the things he does that he thinks are funny are really just on the creepy side. Like that whole Gollum thing. I mean, whoa, creepy. And he thinks it's funny." Stuff like that. Problem being that – just that– yes: I think Gollum is funny. But that's not the point I'm making. The point is that there really isn't a connected feeling to society around me. Like all my attempts to connect to people just time out. "Give it a try for a little while, but no, he's just a little too weird, and too much onstage all the time. Do you know how hard it is to connect to someone while it feels like they're performing all the time and you're in the audience?" No, I don't; I've never been there, to my memory. But I suppose I am onstage all the time. No. Most of the time... It's a part of my familial culture. Like in my brain I'm thinking yes, I may be onstage, but why are you in the audience? Come on up; let's work together. "No, there is no desire to step up on the stage; no one wants to share the stage with you (Not listening, not listening!); maybe if you try acting more realism instead of absurdism." Wait, this is more Screwball comedy than absurdism; I have a friend who'd know, she writes absurdism. "No matter. Real life is dramatic, tragic, and hellish. Not this wonderful musical comedy you've constructed." Well, my pessimistic friend, it's people like you who make people like me annoy people like you because people like me refuse to view the situation like people like you.

Hmm. I think this rambling is evidence of my apparent lack of sociality. Which doesn't make sense, because I interact with people all the time; I'm in two shows, I've auditioned for a third (crazy, crazy) and I talk and interact with people on all those occasions. Yes. Basic interaction is very important, and I'm glad I get that. But there is no deep discussion, no philosophical understanding reached, no establishment of bridges and ties to others. Deep discussion happens there, but on subjects I don't connect on. What? Some actor I am; "not a movie buff? You haven't seen that yet? That's a brilliant movie! I love that TV show. How can you have possibly been without TV for 12 years?" It's really not that hard, FYI. It's like on my mission: my companions always had an edge on relating to people because they had done normal things. I had a companion who was a wielder. Way cool. Most everyone in South America has some experience in construction and the like. Then they'd turn to me: "what do you do for a living?" I'm an actor. A singer. "Oh." and then they'd go back to talking and ignore me. It was that way with most of the missionaries too. "This man is weird. Just weird." Their words.

I suppose it all goes back to my childhood, where (at the time) I found myself surrounded by people who seemed mainly driven by materialism and social conformity. Not quite my cup of tea. So I decided I didn't want to be like them. So I wasn't. And I haven't been. And it actually bothers me sometimes, because while I still don't want to be like everyone else, I don't want to be different for different's sake, nor do I want to be alone, because let's face it; being alone sucks. But I can't change and be like everyone else, because that often goes against my principles. There are things I will never want to do. There are movies I will probably never see. There are subjects I will not willingly tread.

And now it's taken six years to get the kind of friendships and connections that I have. And these are but shadows compared to what they could be, what they are to other people, and what I would like them to be. I am surrounded by friends and other good people, but I am alone. I know so many people, but so few of them really know me. If I am not the center of attention, I could disappear, and who'd would notice? or care? It almost feels like a fight for existence; like I have to fight for attention from the world around me or else I will cease to exist to them at all. As it is I have a tenuous existence. That of a popular mechanical toy. Entertaining, strange, not entirely understood, and somehow not real. It will always be there to sing a song, rattle off some obscure quote, or agree with someone as they make a valid point. But it's not something you have to pay any attention to. Why bother? It seeks it out on it's own. Put a coin into the machine and watch it dance... sort of... I wonder what could possibly be going on in the inner workings of that thing?

And I suppose the saddest thing of all is that I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. In fact, to one degree or another, I'm sure most people don't really feel connected to society around them, and that's why we all want to try and fit in somehow; find our place in this world; our niche, our little pocket. Find friends and connect with them. Ignore what doesn't fit your world and maybe it'll go away.

Well maybe, this time, it will.

Done, not done, not sure, and sure

I'm done with School.

At least, I'm done for now. I think I would like to go to grad school, but I'm prolly gonna take a year off first, work, try to actually accomplish something while I'm here, write, compose, act, sing, fight, and if I work really hard, maybe make a movie or something exciting like that.

First though, I need to get a job...

Yet I'm not done here. I'm done with schooling here, but I'm not done being here. It just doesn't feel like it's time for me to leave this area yet, though I'm not sure what I have to do. Something I know, but I'm just not certain what.

One thing I have learned (again) in my time thinking after graduation: One cannot claim to be a victim of circumstances. Indeed, there are few who can, and they are usually the ones in Murder Mysteries who invariably get framed for the crime. No, we cannot claim victimhood, because it lies within us to accomplish anything. Are you missing a connection with people because they aren't connecting, or because you are afraid to reach out? Not engaged yet, but are you dating? Have a movie idea, but no funding. Have you gone in search of donors? Do you pitch the idea to people who could fund it? Do you feel as if you are missing but a few things in your life and if only you had the money... Have you looked at all the honorable paths? I'm not talking about robbing or swindling, I'm talking about work, collaboration, and pitching your cause. If you feel you have no support for your goals, go out and get it. Can't tell if a girl (or guy) likes you... Have you asked them? I didn't say there were easy solutions to dream barriers, only that there were possible ones. I think we need to get off our duffs (there's an archaic word) and get busy!

On that note, I'm getting some food.

LB

Betrayal

Betrayal is bad in and of itself, since it assumes such an action comes from a perceived friend. The difficulty is when you perceive that the betrayal is even somewhat unintentional. If people had any idea how much they affected others, perhaps they would be a little more careful, less selfish, and a little more willing to be understanding of others and their circumstances.

But we are all prone to be selfish – and self-preserving. It's easy to think about one's self, rather than about others; that requires a risk. And you can't please everyone, so who do you say no to? Who gets the downside? Who has to suck it up? Those are the really hard decisions, and sometimes one makes mistakes, and wishes they had gone the other way. Nothing to be done now, one can't look into the past and change it at will - one cannot change it at all.

Happiness, Miss Piggy!

I like that song.

Ever notice the classic theatrical symbol of the Happy Sad Faces? Supposed to stand for drama and comedy, I suppose. Points up the contrasts of human life, since art imitates life (which imitates art - whole other discussion). Interesting things, contrasts; in my experience it has always been easier to notice one of the contrasts than the other. Criticism over praise, complaints over excitement, sorrow over joy, drama over comedy, sickness over health, bitterness over thankfulness.

That is annoying, since we seem to notice not that which makes us happy, but that which brings us down. Counting your blessings is an important thing, therefore, as it can help us to maintain the perspective we need to go on.

It's Apple Pies that make the men folk's mouths to water!!

But I'm making pumpkin pies this time.

So I started out with a friend of mine, and we cut the 13.83 lb. pumpkin (named Poor Hogbrain), scooped out his brains, and we baked him for about 30 min at 350° or until soft. Then after we let him cool off, we scooped out his insides and tossed them into a blender along with eggs (2 eggs for every cup of pumpkin). That was about 18 cups of pumpkin, and therefore about 36 eggs. That's a lot of eggs. Funny because I bought 5 dozen, so I still have a bunch left over.

Anyway, then you add milk (1 cup), and cream (1/3 cup), Ginger and Cinnamon (1 tsp each), salt, and 1/2 cup of Brown Sugar (all measurements are per 1 cup of pumpkin, except the spices). That, all mixed together, is the basis for Pumpkin Pie, in case anyone was wondering...

Pour that into a pie tin that you've already filled with a crust (unbaked) and place into an already preheated oven (350° again) and bake for 45 to 60 minutes.

Last night I made 8 pies. Many hours of work.

But the thing is, I only used 6 cups of pumpkin, so it should have only made 6 pies. Was it because I was using large eggs? I don't know, but I think I oughtta tell mother that the bulk (3 pie) recipe really makes 4... Or maybe I'm not filling them up enough.

But I'm excited; the estimation of 24 pies from a single pumpkin makes me happy. Couldn't really begin to tell you why, but it does.

Yay for Holidays.

LB

A New Post

I don't really have much to say here, except that it's been a while since I last posted, and I thought that the last subject was getting kind of old.


Soooooo...


Thanksgiving's next week. I'm excited; I'm making Pumpkin Pies. Out of fresh pumpkin. Yes, I bought one a while ago, and it is going to make many, many pies. In theory. I can't say for certain how many, but the last time I did this it made like 14. But it was a particularly thick pumpkin, and I don't know how thick this one is. I do know it's almost 14 pounds of yummy pumpkin-ness, but that's it.

I may need to buy more tins again...

LB

Marriage in USA moving to Minority?`

Here's something I read on the news:

"The American Community Survey, released this month by the Census Bureau, found that 49.7 percent, or 55.2 million, of the nation’s 111.1 million households in 2005 were made up of married couples — with and without children — just shy of a majority and down from more than 52 percent five years earlier."

Wow. Pretty sad, really. Later on though they said something I found amusing:

"The proportion of married couples ranged from more than 69 percent in Utah County, Utah, which includes Provo, to 26 percent in Manhattan, which has a smaller share of married couples than almost anyplace in the country. But Manhattan registered a 1.2 percent increase in married couples since 2000, in contrast to the rest of New York City and many other places."
-- To Be Married Means to Be Outnumbered
By SAM ROBERTS
The New York Times

I thought it was interesting, though not at all surprising that Provo, Utah county, Utah has the highest percentage of married couples in the USA. There is a reason they call it Happy Valley. Hah. I guess I should mention that that's still only 69%. So it doesn't mean everyone there is getting married. Actually it doesn't even mean necessarily that many of them are. And now I'm ruining my own joke. I'm done now.

LB

Heroes

I find the Human Psyche interesting... Within men is a desire to fix things. A woman comes to a man to discuss problems or issues she has with events or other people or something, and then gets upset because the guy offers advice for how to fix the problem, or offers alternative points of view and other philosophies to clear things up. She gets upset because most often the woman merely wants someone to listen to her, and not try to effect a change in her. Most guys miss that idea.

Reason? The men love to fix problems, and the idea of stewing over a difficulty without an attempt to remedy the situation is most often a foreign concept to them.

But it moves to a deeper level than just that. Men want to fix everything; make everything right. This even goes to emotions, causing the man to attempt to squelch or control his own so that he may at least appear strong and thus able to play the hero to any damsels in distress ("Dis dress, dat dress, who cares? I'm distraught!"*). Also, if said "hero" hears a female friend of his complain of not having a boyfriend or other male attention, there is quite often an urge to see if there is a way to remedy even that. Not by finding a date for them, or any attempt to find the perfect man for them. No, he will often attempt to reason in his own mind if he may not be the one to end her solitude. This isn't thought in any prideful, disdainful, or creepy way, but rather is in the hope of fixing the problem. Most men love to be the hero, and would love to be the answer to some girl's prayers. So they investigate the potentiality of such a match, resulting in a mini-crush on her as they identify key similarities and differences before arriving at the decision that they're best off remaining as just friends. Fortunately, most often this assessment of prayer-answering-ability is done within the male's own mind, and thus rarely throws any cogs into the woman's gears.

What if he was the perfect guy for her? Then he would (and should) ask her out (after he attains an understanding of the potentiality). If he doesn't see it, then... well... we'll have to hope for the best. If they're really perfect for each other then they both should see that something's possible. But that's not what I'm trying to discuss.

Some men (especially nice men) put themselves into the silly mental trauma of trying to be the perfect man for just about every girl they're friends with. This never works because their friends all have different personalities, likes, dislikes, and needs. Now if they're smart chaps, they will realize this and cease their constant character shifts (though I can guarantee they'll still be thinking about it), and try their hardest to be themselves.

I will say it's a frustrating thing for nice guys; nice guys are bachelors for a long time, usually. They often have more... unique personality traits and habits that make them easy to be friends with, but often hard to remain with for extended periods of time. Nice men are often only able to be taken in doses. Measured doses. Leading them to feel very lonely, although often surrounded by friends. I'm sure this is a strong motivation in their desire to be the hero, the perfect man for some girl. Unfortunately, I think it may also be the reason they try to fix too much and remain in their singleness for such a long time. I could speak of one or two in particular, but I firmly believe this has more universal application.

No, I don't think nice men should start behaving like jerks (a good percentage of other men). I am not trying to fix things. I am merely pointing out an interesting (if sad) effect the course of our human psyches may take us. Unfortunately, in all my discussion, I don't feel like I have discovered the reason for why these things are the way they are. I even admit the possibility of all this being only my imagination (I do have a vivid one). However, my observations are quite extensive on the matter; I spend a lot of time observing people, and how they interact with others (including myself). I have had many conversations with men and women on the subject, and still have no answer for it.

Heh. Go figure.


*Quotes from The Bullwinkle Show:
Bullwinkle: Hey lady, are you in distress?
Natasha: Dis dress, dat dress, who cares? I'm distraught!
Bullwinkle (to Rocky): Do we help ladies in distraught?

So I'm directing this show...

Ever take on a project that really freaks you out?

Just wondering...

Heh.

I'm directing a show this fall, and let me tell you, it's interesting to have the table reversed. I'm used to the acting side more than the production side of the theatre aspect. But it's fun, I've got a great cast, and life is good.

Blah...

I'm just a little nervous about it, because even though I've had the training to do this, I've never done a full length production before. It's like being taught how to drive a car and then going on the freeway for the first time. I'll do what I can, be careful, and things will probably be fine, but there is still going to be a strong element of the unknown here.

Seriously though, if I didn't have the people around me that I do to help me out (and most of them are other students), I wouldn't be nearly so optimistic about this production.

THIS IS GREAT!!!!!

[shake it off, man, shake it off. just play it cool.]

LB

[Coughs] life is an interesting beast.

Wise words of advice given yesterday and today, and I sometimes wonder how much heed we actually pay to them. I'm under the impression that these semiannual meetings are for more than our passing enjoyment; they should be life-changing... Every time. We all have things to work on, and if we take what hits us the most and work on that for the next six months, then take what hits us the most next time, and we'll be gradually improving ourselves and not wasting the time we spend. I mean, we're spending 8-10 hours of our lives every six months. If it all goes in one ear and out the other, what were we even there for? To learn, and then change to meet the new challenges.

[getting off soap-box]

It was an excellent Conference, with many wise words, and much for all of us to learn and change by.

Internet, Intranet, Netting Tray

No, that doesn't make sense... Not really...

But I have internet again, which is a wonderful thing, especially after all the time I've not had it and the incredible annoyance trying to attain some kind of link with said internet.

But it's up, and I'm still trying to catch up.

Night.

Oh Blast Dang...

I've noticed today, as I've read my past entries, that my blogs are boring.

Sorry about that...

I think the last couple of entries are okay, but most of those early ones really suck. I'll try to fix that, but please realize that such an undertaking requires some changes in my write/thought processor unit. As soon as the firmware on the processor is updated, then I can promise I will at least have interesting blogs, building even farther to entertaining blogs as I continue development.

So my system may be down for a few days, but what's that to everyone else who reads this? Wait... Does anyone else read this? What a predicament to be in... I announce the update of a system only to realize that no one utilizes said system and all my work is, perhaps, going to rot. How depressing.

Nevertheless, I shall keep up my good spirit (stiff upper lip and all that), and bid you all (even if that only means me) a fond good evening.

LB

PS I feel a little bit foolish... I was just looking at my options and happened to click on the Moderate Comments, and realized that there were these 5 comments waiting for my approval so they could be published. I apologize now for complaining about no one reading this blog, since I now have concrete evidence staring me in the face that people do, in fact read it. In a way it's kind of embarrassing. Funny, but slightly embarrassing... Thanks for the comments though. :)

I hate money

I hate it because everything requires money, and I can never seem to get enough to get what I think I may need (or at least want really bad).

K, now that that's over with, I have an amusing little anecdote:

Lichen can survive the vacuum of space.

True. At least 15 days in the vacuum of space with no signs of damage whatever. All that exposure to ridiculously extreme temperatures, solar radiation, solar winds, and a severe lack of atmospheric pressure didn't seem to phase the lichen at all.

Here's the site to prove it:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lichen

It's near the end of the entry, in the last paragraph of the last section (well, before "Growth Form"). Pretty interesting... To me anyway...

I found it while looking up information about Biodiesel, which is an alternate fuel source made from animal fat and/or vegetable oils, mixed with methane and a few other chemicals. Works as good as diesel, but burns cleaner, cleans your engine out, and isn't a depleting resource. On the downsides, it gels faster than diesel in cold weather, and can have problems with water contamination and bacteria growth. There are, of course, measures to fix those difficulties. I find it interesting that it is cheap to produce, cheaper than gasoline in almost any country but the US. Funny that... Again, Wikipedia has a great article on it
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biodiesel

And the great thing is, they're developing a way to make biodiesel from algae (an algae that's about 50% oil...), and we all know there is virtually no limit to that plant type. Heh, Should be cool, if it ever reaches full production. If I was a little more interested in Chemistry, I might just eventually get my own processor (since you can do that for a few grand)... But then, I don't own a diesel vehicle... Wait, the only vehicle I have is a bicycle. Yeah, it's going to take me a while to feel the need to get that. But you can make your own.

So there's the environmentalist in me, I guess. I'm almost always up for higher efficiency, lower costs, and more world friendliness, whenever possible.

Especially the part about lower costs, because I still hate money. Mostly my dependence on it and my lack of possession of it.

First of August

Ahhh, Thunderstorms...

That's like that famous line from the cartoon... "Ahh, Charles..."
Only different...
yeah...


What do the Dead Sea Scrolls, a total Solar Eclipse on 23 November 2003, a total Lunar Eclipse on 24 October 2004, and the Perseids Meteor Shower on 12 August 2004 have in common?


Hah. Like I'm gonna say. It's not like there's a certain answer anyway.


It's just stuff that most people ignore, and yet, if you think about it, could be a bit of really important information.

Background info:

The Dead Sea Scrolls were discovered between 1947 and 1956. There were 11 caves, in all, and the texts contain Old Testament stuff for the most part, dating around 300 BC, so they say. They started getting fully published in the late 90s and into these last years, too.

Solar Eclipses are just really cool. The interesting thing about them is that in a total eclipse, you can see planets and some stars like it's night, only it's definitely not. They only happen once every couple of years or so, with the total Lunars coming the year after.

Lunar Eclipses are also among my favorite pieces of astronomy, partially because the moon goes dark, like the sun, only instead of having that flare at the moment of totality, it goes all red. It looks kinda creepy, to be honest, but really cool. The light comes from the defracting light around the Earth's atmosphere, and the deepness of the red varies from eclipse to eclipse.

Perseids Meteor Shower is prolly the most famous one (certainly one of them) and it's been going on for about the last 2000 years every August. It peaks on that date, but can be seen from as early as late July. Shooting stars from a point in the Perseus constellation, just below Cassiopia. Yeah... cool...


Just one of those things that makes me think sometimes...

I could add some more things to that list of "in commonness," but that might make this too easy...

K, I'm done being silly.

I'm sick of being sick

Granted, I've only been sick for about 24 hours now, but I'm still sick of it.

I also realized it has been over a month since I wrote anything here. Whoa.

But I'm not going to fill you in on what has been happening in my life because I wasn't doing that in the first place so you can just forget about that right now.

I feel... Sick... But besides that, I feel like not telling you what I really feel right now because there's no proof anyone reads this anyway. Hah!...

Something More Than Nothing At All:

Something's on the wind; a kind of a change is blowing through.
Now I know it could be nothing at all,
But it might have something to do with you.
Something new's in the air; a new flavor mixed in with what's there.
Once again it could be nothing at all,
But it just might be the stallion's mare.

There's no reason I can think that you would even care
No reason to be there
No reason I can fathom that we could ever be
In this reality
Something more than nothing at all.

There's this illusion in here; it's a dream with an ideal path and wonderful goal.
And it likely means no more than nothing at all,
But maybe, just maybe, it means the end of the lonely role.

There's no reason I can think that you would even care
No reason to be there
No reason I can fathom that we could ever be
In this reality
Something more than nothing at all.

If this dream of mine is so impossible,
Why does it seem so plausible?
Why do some dreams come true?
Why can't I let go of this dream of you?
If every logical part of my mind says it cannot be?
Why am I unable to deny it may be?

There's no reason I can think that you would even care
No reason to be there
No reason I can fathom that we could ever be
In this reality
Something more than nothing at all.

Something more than nothing at all.

Could we someday be
Something more than nothing at all?




I should add that I like that song... Kinda fits, ya know?

LB

Nothing is certain

That's why you could say we live on the edge of a knife; anything can change, and drastically. The only way to know what one is doing is to do something, and even then, circumstances are often taken out of your control.

"You must do what you feel is right, of course."

And here I am, setting off on crazy ideas that no one really knows about, with only time being able to tell what will happen, or how much my life will change in the next little while. It might be a lot, or it might be nothing at all.

And I'm done; left without anything more to say.

LB

Muahahaha!

I just thought I'd say that...


Have you ever had moments where you feel a kind of restless fatigue? Like you either really need to go and play a sport, go running, fight (stage fighting, of course, or sparring), or even bounce off the walls for a while, OR just conk out and sleep for six years? It's an interesting feeling, if you haven't, and not really one I like, but I've been getting that feeling a lot lately, and I find the only way to really function for any real amount of the day is to expend a whole lot of energy, so I get more. It feels like my energy system is on a government funding plan - If I don't spend the funding I receive, I'll just get less until the funding is completely cut. Then, of course, we realize that we can't do without the program so we reinstate it again and start the cycle over. Weird.

So now I'm running in the mornings, randomly doing pushups every time I feel like it, and generally expending the amount of energy that makes most people jealous and tired just watching me. And it's no good explaining that it's not my fault. I get made fun of; Ohhhh poor me! I have to eat so much of whatever I want and I can't gain weight! Ohhh poor me! I have boundless amounts of energy! Poor me!!

Yeah...

Night,
LB

The Plans! The Plans!

One knows that plans often don't work out. I don't know how many times I've wanted to have a party or somekind of social event, I plan it, invite people, who are usually like "yeah, that sounds like fun" and stuff, and then they don't show. There are always very legitimate reasons, but they just can't make it, so the party is a no go. Keep it small, and only invite a few peple you know will be there. You can't ever KNOW they'll be there. And sometimes they can't come. And it's all understandable, but it's all annoying too.

I just set up plans for something, and things like this always go through my head... too much past experience I suppose...

K, I'm done.

LB

Ningún Comentario

Nobody comments on my blog either.

This is either because nobody reads this, or because no one has anything to say about this.

I heard of ONE case where someone tried to comment, but I had some settings wrong or something.

Well I fixed it.

So there.

:-P

LB

Focus changes

I look at what I have been doing, what I was going for, and I realize that everything I was going to do (when I was a child) has changed. Almost. There are just a couple of things that are going to stay the same as when I was a child, but there are some things that I'm planning on and working towards that, even when I was a child and believed anything was possible, I would have said I was just a little (or a lot) crazy.

That seems to be a recurring thing...

Anyway, the point is, people change, and often much more than we believe is possible. Some people think nothing ever changes, but in reality, everything stands in motion (oxymoron?). Seriously, everything is always moving. Even if we don't count the fact that we're on the Earth and that Earth is moving at thousands of miles per hour, time moves us on, and every little thing affects us. The Butterfly Effect it is called; the wind caused by the flutter of butterfly wings affects the weather on the other side of the globe. Or you could just say that out of small things great things come to pass. Thus, one cannot say that something doesn't affect them or that they are immune to those effects - desensitized, perhaps, but not unaffected or immune. Sometimes overnight you become someone else almost entirely, or it may take years for the change to take effect. Of course, you are really just changing your outer shell; the basic fundamental of who you are takes forever to change; the foundation is the last thing to remove when building anew.

I have changed so much, though not nearly as much as I want to in some areas. Still, there are some directions my life is going that I cannot see my way to without so much more change. So much change...

Heh. I never ramble this much on a public blog, but maybe I'm getting more use to it...

Night,
LB

(Insert some kind of interesting title here)

Somethings feel right.

Other things don't.

That aside, some ideas seem completely ludicrous and otherwise basically impossible. But the interesting thing is when you look for the proof that your daydream will never be more than just a daydream, and instead you are told not to discount the idea merely because it's ludicrous. So I look for other reasons to discount it, but none will surface except the same sort of self-doubt that is always present. So all I am left with is the need to push forward; the inevitable, driving need to fight towards this idea that seems impossible by all avenues except one. Now I might think to stop the idea just from that, but the fact is, when one feels told to go a particular direction, and there is only one way to go, shouldn't one be excited that there is a way to go and just run along happy?

Of course, I don't know the actual path, it just seems there is only one available in that direction, and I don't know which it is. It's the path I'm on, I guess, which means that I usually have no idea of what's ahead. But this may be the strongest ludicrous idea I've had in a while, and certainly the most pressing upon my mind right now. It's also the only one that I think might just actually happen in the near future. The relatively near future anyway. I'd say more, but I'm not going to. So too bad. Nyah.

I'm done for now.

LB

Bike riding near midnight

It's funny how empty streets can be sometimes, when it's that late at night. I almost stopped by a friend's house, but when it is that late, it may be considered rude to stop by so late.

I dunno...

Maybe I should risk a little more, be impulsive a little more, be dashing a little more, more with Big Red!!


wait...


It's "Longer with Big Red!"...

Doh!


oh well...

Night,
LB

Last Day of April

I was really hoping to do an April Fool's Show on the first, but things came up that prevented that... So I thought maybe I could do something on the last day... But here it is, and there's nothing I can think of that would even really work. Go figure...

I'm not really one for pranks anyway. Jokes, yes, but not so much pranks.

Sundays are really days to think things over anyway... More time than during the week...

Later,

LB

Hah!

Look at me posting here like a madman!

Too bad no one ever reads this...

hhh


Oh well. if nothing else, it's self entertainment...

LB

Ludicrous

And every once in a while, one gets a few ludicrous ideas... The problem is, people have a tendency to not follow through and thus never find out if their ludicrous ideas are really that ludicrous...

So Confusing

I will say that this is not the easiest thing to use... I think I really just need a little more familiarity with this thing, but there ya go.

I never post on blogs

I just wanted to get that out in the open... If you are coming here with the intention to read a lot of fine works of a written nature, then you're on the wrong page.

Oh, I might write something every once in a while, but don't get your hopes up so high you can't pull them back down later.

LB