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I would like to think I'm good at connecting with people...

Except that I know I'm not good at it at all. I'm probably one of those sorts that everyone assumes is well off socially, because "Well, it seems he's always surrounded by friends and that he knows everybody. And I mean everybody. And he's talented in a lot of different areas. Blah, blah. But there are times when he's just weird. I think it's in his humor. Like some of the things he does that he thinks are funny are really just on the creepy side. Like that whole Gollum thing. I mean, whoa, creepy. And he thinks it's funny." Stuff like that. Problem being that – just that– yes: I think Gollum is funny. But that's not the point I'm making. The point is that there really isn't a connected feeling to society around me. Like all my attempts to connect to people just time out. "Give it a try for a little while, but no, he's just a little too weird, and too much onstage all the time. Do you know how hard it is to connect to someone while it feels like they're performing all the time and you're in the audience?" No, I don't; I've never been there, to my memory. But I suppose I am onstage all the time. No. Most of the time... It's a part of my familial culture. Like in my brain I'm thinking yes, I may be onstage, but why are you in the audience? Come on up; let's work together. "No, there is no desire to step up on the stage; no one wants to share the stage with you (Not listening, not listening!); maybe if you try acting more realism instead of absurdism." Wait, this is more Screwball comedy than absurdism; I have a friend who'd know, she writes absurdism. "No matter. Real life is dramatic, tragic, and hellish. Not this wonderful musical comedy you've constructed." Well, my pessimistic friend, it's people like you who make people like me annoy people like you because people like me refuse to view the situation like people like you.

Hmm. I think this rambling is evidence of my apparent lack of sociality. Which doesn't make sense, because I interact with people all the time; I'm in two shows, I've auditioned for a third (crazy, crazy) and I talk and interact with people on all those occasions. Yes. Basic interaction is very important, and I'm glad I get that. But there is no deep discussion, no philosophical understanding reached, no establishment of bridges and ties to others. Deep discussion happens there, but on subjects I don't connect on. What? Some actor I am; "not a movie buff? You haven't seen that yet? That's a brilliant movie! I love that TV show. How can you have possibly been without TV for 12 years?" It's really not that hard, FYI. It's like on my mission: my companions always had an edge on relating to people because they had done normal things. I had a companion who was a wielder. Way cool. Most everyone in South America has some experience in construction and the like. Then they'd turn to me: "what do you do for a living?" I'm an actor. A singer. "Oh." and then they'd go back to talking and ignore me. It was that way with most of the missionaries too. "This man is weird. Just weird." Their words.

I suppose it all goes back to my childhood, where (at the time) I found myself surrounded by people who seemed mainly driven by materialism and social conformity. Not quite my cup of tea. So I decided I didn't want to be like them. So I wasn't. And I haven't been. And it actually bothers me sometimes, because while I still don't want to be like everyone else, I don't want to be different for different's sake, nor do I want to be alone, because let's face it; being alone sucks. But I can't change and be like everyone else, because that often goes against my principles. There are things I will never want to do. There are movies I will probably never see. There are subjects I will not willingly tread.

And now it's taken six years to get the kind of friendships and connections that I have. And these are but shadows compared to what they could be, what they are to other people, and what I would like them to be. I am surrounded by friends and other good people, but I am alone. I know so many people, but so few of them really know me. If I am not the center of attention, I could disappear, and who'd would notice? or care? It almost feels like a fight for existence; like I have to fight for attention from the world around me or else I will cease to exist to them at all. As it is I have a tenuous existence. That of a popular mechanical toy. Entertaining, strange, not entirely understood, and somehow not real. It will always be there to sing a song, rattle off some obscure quote, or agree with someone as they make a valid point. But it's not something you have to pay any attention to. Why bother? It seeks it out on it's own. Put a coin into the machine and watch it dance... sort of... I wonder what could possibly be going on in the inner workings of that thing?

And I suppose the saddest thing of all is that I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. In fact, to one degree or another, I'm sure most people don't really feel connected to society around them, and that's why we all want to try and fit in somehow; find our place in this world; our niche, our little pocket. Find friends and connect with them. Ignore what doesn't fit your world and maybe it'll go away.

Well maybe, this time, it will.

Done, not done, not sure, and sure

I'm done with School.

At least, I'm done for now. I think I would like to go to grad school, but I'm prolly gonna take a year off first, work, try to actually accomplish something while I'm here, write, compose, act, sing, fight, and if I work really hard, maybe make a movie or something exciting like that.

First though, I need to get a job...

Yet I'm not done here. I'm done with schooling here, but I'm not done being here. It just doesn't feel like it's time for me to leave this area yet, though I'm not sure what I have to do. Something I know, but I'm just not certain what.

One thing I have learned (again) in my time thinking after graduation: One cannot claim to be a victim of circumstances. Indeed, there are few who can, and they are usually the ones in Murder Mysteries who invariably get framed for the crime. No, we cannot claim victimhood, because it lies within us to accomplish anything. Are you missing a connection with people because they aren't connecting, or because you are afraid to reach out? Not engaged yet, but are you dating? Have a movie idea, but no funding. Have you gone in search of donors? Do you pitch the idea to people who could fund it? Do you feel as if you are missing but a few things in your life and if only you had the money... Have you looked at all the honorable paths? I'm not talking about robbing or swindling, I'm talking about work, collaboration, and pitching your cause. If you feel you have no support for your goals, go out and get it. Can't tell if a girl (or guy) likes you... Have you asked them? I didn't say there were easy solutions to dream barriers, only that there were possible ones. I think we need to get off our duffs (there's an archaic word) and get busy!

On that note, I'm getting some food.

LB

Betrayal

Betrayal is bad in and of itself, since it assumes such an action comes from a perceived friend. The difficulty is when you perceive that the betrayal is even somewhat unintentional. If people had any idea how much they affected others, perhaps they would be a little more careful, less selfish, and a little more willing to be understanding of others and their circumstances.

But we are all prone to be selfish – and self-preserving. It's easy to think about one's self, rather than about others; that requires a risk. And you can't please everyone, so who do you say no to? Who gets the downside? Who has to suck it up? Those are the really hard decisions, and sometimes one makes mistakes, and wishes they had gone the other way. Nothing to be done now, one can't look into the past and change it at will - one cannot change it at all.

Happiness, Miss Piggy!

I like that song.

Ever notice the classic theatrical symbol of the Happy Sad Faces? Supposed to stand for drama and comedy, I suppose. Points up the contrasts of human life, since art imitates life (which imitates art - whole other discussion). Interesting things, contrasts; in my experience it has always been easier to notice one of the contrasts than the other. Criticism over praise, complaints over excitement, sorrow over joy, drama over comedy, sickness over health, bitterness over thankfulness.

That is annoying, since we seem to notice not that which makes us happy, but that which brings us down. Counting your blessings is an important thing, therefore, as it can help us to maintain the perspective we need to go on.

It's Apple Pies that make the men folk's mouths to water!!

But I'm making pumpkin pies this time.

So I started out with a friend of mine, and we cut the 13.83 lb. pumpkin (named Poor Hogbrain), scooped out his brains, and we baked him for about 30 min at 350° or until soft. Then after we let him cool off, we scooped out his insides and tossed them into a blender along with eggs (2 eggs for every cup of pumpkin). That was about 18 cups of pumpkin, and therefore about 36 eggs. That's a lot of eggs. Funny because I bought 5 dozen, so I still have a bunch left over.

Anyway, then you add milk (1 cup), and cream (1/3 cup), Ginger and Cinnamon (1 tsp each), salt, and 1/2 cup of Brown Sugar (all measurements are per 1 cup of pumpkin, except the spices). That, all mixed together, is the basis for Pumpkin Pie, in case anyone was wondering...

Pour that into a pie tin that you've already filled with a crust (unbaked) and place into an already preheated oven (350° again) and bake for 45 to 60 minutes.

Last night I made 8 pies. Many hours of work.

But the thing is, I only used 6 cups of pumpkin, so it should have only made 6 pies. Was it because I was using large eggs? I don't know, but I think I oughtta tell mother that the bulk (3 pie) recipe really makes 4... Or maybe I'm not filling them up enough.

But I'm excited; the estimation of 24 pies from a single pumpkin makes me happy. Couldn't really begin to tell you why, but it does.

Yay for Holidays.

LB

A New Post

I don't really have much to say here, except that it's been a while since I last posted, and I thought that the last subject was getting kind of old.


Soooooo...


Thanksgiving's next week. I'm excited; I'm making Pumpkin Pies. Out of fresh pumpkin. Yes, I bought one a while ago, and it is going to make many, many pies. In theory. I can't say for certain how many, but the last time I did this it made like 14. But it was a particularly thick pumpkin, and I don't know how thick this one is. I do know it's almost 14 pounds of yummy pumpkin-ness, but that's it.

I may need to buy more tins again...

LB

Marriage in USA moving to Minority?`

Here's something I read on the news:

"The American Community Survey, released this month by the Census Bureau, found that 49.7 percent, or 55.2 million, of the nation’s 111.1 million households in 2005 were made up of married couples — with and without children — just shy of a majority and down from more than 52 percent five years earlier."

Wow. Pretty sad, really. Later on though they said something I found amusing:

"The proportion of married couples ranged from more than 69 percent in Utah County, Utah, which includes Provo, to 26 percent in Manhattan, which has a smaller share of married couples than almost anyplace in the country. But Manhattan registered a 1.2 percent increase in married couples since 2000, in contrast to the rest of New York City and many other places."
-- To Be Married Means to Be Outnumbered
By SAM ROBERTS
The New York Times

I thought it was interesting, though not at all surprising that Provo, Utah county, Utah has the highest percentage of married couples in the USA. There is a reason they call it Happy Valley. Hah. I guess I should mention that that's still only 69%. So it doesn't mean everyone there is getting married. Actually it doesn't even mean necessarily that many of them are. And now I'm ruining my own joke. I'm done now.

LB

Heroes

I find the Human Psyche interesting... Within men is a desire to fix things. A woman comes to a man to discuss problems or issues she has with events or other people or something, and then gets upset because the guy offers advice for how to fix the problem, or offers alternative points of view and other philosophies to clear things up. She gets upset because most often the woman merely wants someone to listen to her, and not try to effect a change in her. Most guys miss that idea.

Reason? The men love to fix problems, and the idea of stewing over a difficulty without an attempt to remedy the situation is most often a foreign concept to them.

But it moves to a deeper level than just that. Men want to fix everything; make everything right. This even goes to emotions, causing the man to attempt to squelch or control his own so that he may at least appear strong and thus able to play the hero to any damsels in distress ("Dis dress, dat dress, who cares? I'm distraught!"*). Also, if said "hero" hears a female friend of his complain of not having a boyfriend or other male attention, there is quite often an urge to see if there is a way to remedy even that. Not by finding a date for them, or any attempt to find the perfect man for them. No, he will often attempt to reason in his own mind if he may not be the one to end her solitude. This isn't thought in any prideful, disdainful, or creepy way, but rather is in the hope of fixing the problem. Most men love to be the hero, and would love to be the answer to some girl's prayers. So they investigate the potentiality of such a match, resulting in a mini-crush on her as they identify key similarities and differences before arriving at the decision that they're best off remaining as just friends. Fortunately, most often this assessment of prayer-answering-ability is done within the male's own mind, and thus rarely throws any cogs into the woman's gears.

What if he was the perfect guy for her? Then he would (and should) ask her out (after he attains an understanding of the potentiality). If he doesn't see it, then... well... we'll have to hope for the best. If they're really perfect for each other then they both should see that something's possible. But that's not what I'm trying to discuss.

Some men (especially nice men) put themselves into the silly mental trauma of trying to be the perfect man for just about every girl they're friends with. This never works because their friends all have different personalities, likes, dislikes, and needs. Now if they're smart chaps, they will realize this and cease their constant character shifts (though I can guarantee they'll still be thinking about it), and try their hardest to be themselves.

I will say it's a frustrating thing for nice guys; nice guys are bachelors for a long time, usually. They often have more... unique personality traits and habits that make them easy to be friends with, but often hard to remain with for extended periods of time. Nice men are often only able to be taken in doses. Measured doses. Leading them to feel very lonely, although often surrounded by friends. I'm sure this is a strong motivation in their desire to be the hero, the perfect man for some girl. Unfortunately, I think it may also be the reason they try to fix too much and remain in their singleness for such a long time. I could speak of one or two in particular, but I firmly believe this has more universal application.

No, I don't think nice men should start behaving like jerks (a good percentage of other men). I am not trying to fix things. I am merely pointing out an interesting (if sad) effect the course of our human psyches may take us. Unfortunately, in all my discussion, I don't feel like I have discovered the reason for why these things are the way they are. I even admit the possibility of all this being only my imagination (I do have a vivid one). However, my observations are quite extensive on the matter; I spend a lot of time observing people, and how they interact with others (including myself). I have had many conversations with men and women on the subject, and still have no answer for it.

Heh. Go figure.


*Quotes from The Bullwinkle Show:
Bullwinkle: Hey lady, are you in distress?
Natasha: Dis dress, dat dress, who cares? I'm distraught!
Bullwinkle (to Rocky): Do we help ladies in distraught?

So I'm directing this show...

Ever take on a project that really freaks you out?

Just wondering...

Heh.

I'm directing a show this fall, and let me tell you, it's interesting to have the table reversed. I'm used to the acting side more than the production side of the theatre aspect. But it's fun, I've got a great cast, and life is good.

Blah...

I'm just a little nervous about it, because even though I've had the training to do this, I've never done a full length production before. It's like being taught how to drive a car and then going on the freeway for the first time. I'll do what I can, be careful, and things will probably be fine, but there is still going to be a strong element of the unknown here.

Seriously though, if I didn't have the people around me that I do to help me out (and most of them are other students), I wouldn't be nearly so optimistic about this production.

THIS IS GREAT!!!!!

[shake it off, man, shake it off. just play it cool.]

LB

[Coughs] life is an interesting beast.

Wise words of advice given yesterday and today, and I sometimes wonder how much heed we actually pay to them. I'm under the impression that these semiannual meetings are for more than our passing enjoyment; they should be life-changing... Every time. We all have things to work on, and if we take what hits us the most and work on that for the next six months, then take what hits us the most next time, and we'll be gradually improving ourselves and not wasting the time we spend. I mean, we're spending 8-10 hours of our lives every six months. If it all goes in one ear and out the other, what were we even there for? To learn, and then change to meet the new challenges.

[getting off soap-box]

It was an excellent Conference, with many wise words, and much for all of us to learn and change by.

Internet, Intranet, Netting Tray

No, that doesn't make sense... Not really...

But I have internet again, which is a wonderful thing, especially after all the time I've not had it and the incredible annoyance trying to attain some kind of link with said internet.

But it's up, and I'm still trying to catch up.

Night.

Oh Blast Dang...

I've noticed today, as I've read my past entries, that my blogs are boring.

Sorry about that...

I think the last couple of entries are okay, but most of those early ones really suck. I'll try to fix that, but please realize that such an undertaking requires some changes in my write/thought processor unit. As soon as the firmware on the processor is updated, then I can promise I will at least have interesting blogs, building even farther to entertaining blogs as I continue development.

So my system may be down for a few days, but what's that to everyone else who reads this? Wait... Does anyone else read this? What a predicament to be in... I announce the update of a system only to realize that no one utilizes said system and all my work is, perhaps, going to rot. How depressing.

Nevertheless, I shall keep up my good spirit (stiff upper lip and all that), and bid you all (even if that only means me) a fond good evening.

LB

PS I feel a little bit foolish... I was just looking at my options and happened to click on the Moderate Comments, and realized that there were these 5 comments waiting for my approval so they could be published. I apologize now for complaining about no one reading this blog, since I now have concrete evidence staring me in the face that people do, in fact read it. In a way it's kind of embarrassing. Funny, but slightly embarrassing... Thanks for the comments though. :)

I hate money

I hate it because everything requires money, and I can never seem to get enough to get what I think I may need (or at least want really bad).

K, now that that's over with, I have an amusing little anecdote:

Lichen can survive the vacuum of space.

True. At least 15 days in the vacuum of space with no signs of damage whatever. All that exposure to ridiculously extreme temperatures, solar radiation, solar winds, and a severe lack of atmospheric pressure didn't seem to phase the lichen at all.

Here's the site to prove it:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lichen

It's near the end of the entry, in the last paragraph of the last section (well, before "Growth Form"). Pretty interesting... To me anyway...

I found it while looking up information about Biodiesel, which is an alternate fuel source made from animal fat and/or vegetable oils, mixed with methane and a few other chemicals. Works as good as diesel, but burns cleaner, cleans your engine out, and isn't a depleting resource. On the downsides, it gels faster than diesel in cold weather, and can have problems with water contamination and bacteria growth. There are, of course, measures to fix those difficulties. I find it interesting that it is cheap to produce, cheaper than gasoline in almost any country but the US. Funny that... Again, Wikipedia has a great article on it
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biodiesel

And the great thing is, they're developing a way to make biodiesel from algae (an algae that's about 50% oil...), and we all know there is virtually no limit to that plant type. Heh, Should be cool, if it ever reaches full production. If I was a little more interested in Chemistry, I might just eventually get my own processor (since you can do that for a few grand)... But then, I don't own a diesel vehicle... Wait, the only vehicle I have is a bicycle. Yeah, it's going to take me a while to feel the need to get that. But you can make your own.

So there's the environmentalist in me, I guess. I'm almost always up for higher efficiency, lower costs, and more world friendliness, whenever possible.

Especially the part about lower costs, because I still hate money. Mostly my dependence on it and my lack of possession of it.

First of August

Ahhh, Thunderstorms...

That's like that famous line from the cartoon... "Ahh, Charles..."
Only different...
yeah...


What do the Dead Sea Scrolls, a total Solar Eclipse on 23 November 2003, a total Lunar Eclipse on 24 October 2004, and the Perseids Meteor Shower on 12 August 2004 have in common?


Hah. Like I'm gonna say. It's not like there's a certain answer anyway.


It's just stuff that most people ignore, and yet, if you think about it, could be a bit of really important information.

Background info:

The Dead Sea Scrolls were discovered between 1947 and 1956. There were 11 caves, in all, and the texts contain Old Testament stuff for the most part, dating around 300 BC, so they say. They started getting fully published in the late 90s and into these last years, too.

Solar Eclipses are just really cool. The interesting thing about them is that in a total eclipse, you can see planets and some stars like it's night, only it's definitely not. They only happen once every couple of years or so, with the total Lunars coming the year after.

Lunar Eclipses are also among my favorite pieces of astronomy, partially because the moon goes dark, like the sun, only instead of having that flare at the moment of totality, it goes all red. It looks kinda creepy, to be honest, but really cool. The light comes from the defracting light around the Earth's atmosphere, and the deepness of the red varies from eclipse to eclipse.

Perseids Meteor Shower is prolly the most famous one (certainly one of them) and it's been going on for about the last 2000 years every August. It peaks on that date, but can be seen from as early as late July. Shooting stars from a point in the Perseus constellation, just below Cassiopia. Yeah... cool...


Just one of those things that makes me think sometimes...

I could add some more things to that list of "in commonness," but that might make this too easy...

K, I'm done being silly.

I'm sick of being sick

Granted, I've only been sick for about 24 hours now, but I'm still sick of it.

I also realized it has been over a month since I wrote anything here. Whoa.

But I'm not going to fill you in on what has been happening in my life because I wasn't doing that in the first place so you can just forget about that right now.

I feel... Sick... But besides that, I feel like not telling you what I really feel right now because there's no proof anyone reads this anyway. Hah!...

Something More Than Nothing At All:

Something's on the wind; a kind of a change is blowing through.
Now I know it could be nothing at all,
But it might have something to do with you.
Something new's in the air; a new flavor mixed in with what's there.
Once again it could be nothing at all,
But it just might be the stallion's mare.

There's no reason I can think that you would even care
No reason to be there
No reason I can fathom that we could ever be
In this reality
Something more than nothing at all.

There's this illusion in here; it's a dream with an ideal path and wonderful goal.
And it likely means no more than nothing at all,
But maybe, just maybe, it means the end of the lonely role.

There's no reason I can think that you would even care
No reason to be there
No reason I can fathom that we could ever be
In this reality
Something more than nothing at all.

If this dream of mine is so impossible,
Why does it seem so plausible?
Why do some dreams come true?
Why can't I let go of this dream of you?
If every logical part of my mind says it cannot be?
Why am I unable to deny it may be?

There's no reason I can think that you would even care
No reason to be there
No reason I can fathom that we could ever be
In this reality
Something more than nothing at all.

Something more than nothing at all.

Could we someday be
Something more than nothing at all?




I should add that I like that song... Kinda fits, ya know?

LB

Nothing is certain

That's why you could say we live on the edge of a knife; anything can change, and drastically. The only way to know what one is doing is to do something, and even then, circumstances are often taken out of your control.

"You must do what you feel is right, of course."

And here I am, setting off on crazy ideas that no one really knows about, with only time being able to tell what will happen, or how much my life will change in the next little while. It might be a lot, or it might be nothing at all.

And I'm done; left without anything more to say.

LB

Muahahaha!

I just thought I'd say that...


Have you ever had moments where you feel a kind of restless fatigue? Like you either really need to go and play a sport, go running, fight (stage fighting, of course, or sparring), or even bounce off the walls for a while, OR just conk out and sleep for six years? It's an interesting feeling, if you haven't, and not really one I like, but I've been getting that feeling a lot lately, and I find the only way to really function for any real amount of the day is to expend a whole lot of energy, so I get more. It feels like my energy system is on a government funding plan - If I don't spend the funding I receive, I'll just get less until the funding is completely cut. Then, of course, we realize that we can't do without the program so we reinstate it again and start the cycle over. Weird.

So now I'm running in the mornings, randomly doing pushups every time I feel like it, and generally expending the amount of energy that makes most people jealous and tired just watching me. And it's no good explaining that it's not my fault. I get made fun of; Ohhhh poor me! I have to eat so much of whatever I want and I can't gain weight! Ohhh poor me! I have boundless amounts of energy! Poor me!!

Yeah...

Night,
LB

The Plans! The Plans!

One knows that plans often don't work out. I don't know how many times I've wanted to have a party or somekind of social event, I plan it, invite people, who are usually like "yeah, that sounds like fun" and stuff, and then they don't show. There are always very legitimate reasons, but they just can't make it, so the party is a no go. Keep it small, and only invite a few peple you know will be there. You can't ever KNOW they'll be there. And sometimes they can't come. And it's all understandable, but it's all annoying too.

I just set up plans for something, and things like this always go through my head... too much past experience I suppose...

K, I'm done.

LB

Ningún Comentario

Nobody comments on my blog either.

This is either because nobody reads this, or because no one has anything to say about this.

I heard of ONE case where someone tried to comment, but I had some settings wrong or something.

Well I fixed it.

So there.

:-P

LB

Focus changes

I look at what I have been doing, what I was going for, and I realize that everything I was going to do (when I was a child) has changed. Almost. There are just a couple of things that are going to stay the same as when I was a child, but there are some things that I'm planning on and working towards that, even when I was a child and believed anything was possible, I would have said I was just a little (or a lot) crazy.

That seems to be a recurring thing...

Anyway, the point is, people change, and often much more than we believe is possible. Some people think nothing ever changes, but in reality, everything stands in motion (oxymoron?). Seriously, everything is always moving. Even if we don't count the fact that we're on the Earth and that Earth is moving at thousands of miles per hour, time moves us on, and every little thing affects us. The Butterfly Effect it is called; the wind caused by the flutter of butterfly wings affects the weather on the other side of the globe. Or you could just say that out of small things great things come to pass. Thus, one cannot say that something doesn't affect them or that they are immune to those effects - desensitized, perhaps, but not unaffected or immune. Sometimes overnight you become someone else almost entirely, or it may take years for the change to take effect. Of course, you are really just changing your outer shell; the basic fundamental of who you are takes forever to change; the foundation is the last thing to remove when building anew.

I have changed so much, though not nearly as much as I want to in some areas. Still, there are some directions my life is going that I cannot see my way to without so much more change. So much change...

Heh. I never ramble this much on a public blog, but maybe I'm getting more use to it...

Night,
LB