Secure-socket handling connection timed out.

I would like to think I'm good at connecting with people...

Except that I know I'm not good at it at all. I'm probably one of those sorts that everyone assumes is well off socially, because "Well, it seems he's always surrounded by friends and that he knows everybody. And I mean everybody. And he's talented in a lot of different areas. Blah, blah. But there are times when he's just weird. I think it's in his humor. Like some of the things he does that he thinks are funny are really just on the creepy side. Like that whole Gollum thing. I mean, whoa, creepy. And he thinks it's funny." Stuff like that. Problem being that – just that– yes: I think Gollum is funny. But that's not the point I'm making. The point is that there really isn't a connected feeling to society around me. Like all my attempts to connect to people just time out. "Give it a try for a little while, but no, he's just a little too weird, and too much onstage all the time. Do you know how hard it is to connect to someone while it feels like they're performing all the time and you're in the audience?" No, I don't; I've never been there, to my memory. But I suppose I am onstage all the time. No. Most of the time... It's a part of my familial culture. Like in my brain I'm thinking yes, I may be onstage, but why are you in the audience? Come on up; let's work together. "No, there is no desire to step up on the stage; no one wants to share the stage with you (Not listening, not listening!); maybe if you try acting more realism instead of absurdism." Wait, this is more Screwball comedy than absurdism; I have a friend who'd know, she writes absurdism. "No matter. Real life is dramatic, tragic, and hellish. Not this wonderful musical comedy you've constructed." Well, my pessimistic friend, it's people like you who make people like me annoy people like you because people like me refuse to view the situation like people like you.

Hmm. I think this rambling is evidence of my apparent lack of sociality. Which doesn't make sense, because I interact with people all the time; I'm in two shows, I've auditioned for a third (crazy, crazy) and I talk and interact with people on all those occasions. Yes. Basic interaction is very important, and I'm glad I get that. But there is no deep discussion, no philosophical understanding reached, no establishment of bridges and ties to others. Deep discussion happens there, but on subjects I don't connect on. What? Some actor I am; "not a movie buff? You haven't seen that yet? That's a brilliant movie! I love that TV show. How can you have possibly been without TV for 12 years?" It's really not that hard, FYI. It's like on my mission: my companions always had an edge on relating to people because they had done normal things. I had a companion who was a wielder. Way cool. Most everyone in South America has some experience in construction and the like. Then they'd turn to me: "what do you do for a living?" I'm an actor. A singer. "Oh." and then they'd go back to talking and ignore me. It was that way with most of the missionaries too. "This man is weird. Just weird." Their words.

I suppose it all goes back to my childhood, where (at the time) I found myself surrounded by people who seemed mainly driven by materialism and social conformity. Not quite my cup of tea. So I decided I didn't want to be like them. So I wasn't. And I haven't been. And it actually bothers me sometimes, because while I still don't want to be like everyone else, I don't want to be different for different's sake, nor do I want to be alone, because let's face it; being alone sucks. But I can't change and be like everyone else, because that often goes against my principles. There are things I will never want to do. There are movies I will probably never see. There are subjects I will not willingly tread.

And now it's taken six years to get the kind of friendships and connections that I have. And these are but shadows compared to what they could be, what they are to other people, and what I would like them to be. I am surrounded by friends and other good people, but I am alone. I know so many people, but so few of them really know me. If I am not the center of attention, I could disappear, and who'd would notice? or care? It almost feels like a fight for existence; like I have to fight for attention from the world around me or else I will cease to exist to them at all. As it is I have a tenuous existence. That of a popular mechanical toy. Entertaining, strange, not entirely understood, and somehow not real. It will always be there to sing a song, rattle off some obscure quote, or agree with someone as they make a valid point. But it's not something you have to pay any attention to. Why bother? It seeks it out on it's own. Put a coin into the machine and watch it dance... sort of... I wonder what could possibly be going on in the inner workings of that thing?

And I suppose the saddest thing of all is that I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. In fact, to one degree or another, I'm sure most people don't really feel connected to society around them, and that's why we all want to try and fit in somehow; find our place in this world; our niche, our little pocket. Find friends and connect with them. Ignore what doesn't fit your world and maybe it'll go away.

Well maybe, this time, it will.